She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
