Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
