Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
