for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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