erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
