My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Someone came in the potted fern
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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