So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
