having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
