She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
