Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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