Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
