If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
