if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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