I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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