I love black thongs
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
