I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
