Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
