My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
