I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
