I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i drank out of a bidet.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
