how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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