I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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