Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
