Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
