I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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