Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
