I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize