i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
