You're my little dorito
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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