I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
