508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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