proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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