i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
