I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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