I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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