My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
