Your face is a jimmy john
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
