Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
