My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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