At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
