just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
