I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
