I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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