My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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