his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize