i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
