I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize