I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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