Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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