White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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