I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
