I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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