I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
