i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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