He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
