So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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