dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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