If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
